The "Two-Time Conversation" Theory

First of all, this blogging shit is more complicated than I thought, so props to the people that blog often about their life and all the minor inconveniences that come with it. It's 10:04PM, and I'm at a bakery in Williamsburg, aggressively typing away, trying to articulate all my thoughts into this single post. I am the only one with a laptop in this entire place. My eyes are strained. I look insane.

But I've wanted to talk about this little "way of thinking" that I've implemented into my life and the lives of countless clients, friends, and family because I think everyone can benefit from it. Call it a theory, if you will.

I call this the "two-time conversation" theory or rule.

I'll give you the simple, and then I'll give you the annoyingly long version.

The simple: If you have a conversation with your significant other about something that upsets or bothers you, if it doesn't get resolved by the second time you have that conversation, it will never get solved. 

That might sound a bit aggressive, but for those of you who are willing to hear me out for the extended version, here's your explanation:

In any healthy relationship, you should be able to communicate clearly about mostly everything, especially the things that may be bothering you or upsetting you within the relationship and/or with your partner. If you struggle internally to talk to your partner, that's a different story & a totally different topic. This applies to those of you who mostly have no problem communicating issues to your partner but feel you are not being heard.

And, shit, maybe you aren't being heard. It can very well be an issue with your partner or how you communicate things.

Anywho, I believe that if something is upsetting or bothering you in your relationship, and you communicate this to your partner healthily, they should be able to recognize the concern and how it makes you feel. Because they care about continuing a healthy relationship dynamic, they will apply the proper changes and/or compromises to the relationship or themselves to continue having a happy relationship for as long as you two are together.

If it doesn't get resolved within two healthy conversations, it will likely never.

I'm also not saying the issue will be utterly picture-perfect after these two conversations, but continuous action should have been taken by then, and not the kind of action that ends after a week or so. Key word: continuous.

I hear repeatedly from people that they try to talk to their partner about something that is upsetting them multiple times, as often as every week, and their partner says they will fix the issue, but then they simply don't.

If this is the case for you, one of two issues may be here (or both, honestly).

A) HOW you are communicating what you are feeling with your partner and

B) How far can you stretch yourself when your needs aren't met?

Although this is not a post that "dives deep" into communication styles and how to communicate properly with your partner, here is a little tip if you think point A may be your issue.

It's pretty simple: Use "I" instead of "you."

When talking to your partner, you may feel the need to say something along the lines of "YOU are pissing me off; YOU keep doing XYZ," but the issue with this is that it feels like an attack, and nobody likes to feel attacked. Using the word YOU as your statement starter tends to come across as attacking your partner and trying to hurt them with the statement that comes after. Instead, transform it to be more about yourself, using "I" statements. 

For example, say, "It makes me feel XYZ when you do XYZ."

See how much better that sounds? It's like soft parenting… for your boyfriend.

I'll explore communication further in another blog post, but for the sake of this post, let's leave the discussion of communication styles there and continue with the main "theory" at hand.

If you have something bothering you in your relationship and have yet to address the issue with your partner, then great! Take this blog post for what it is and implement it into your conversation with your partner.

If you've had a conversation with your significant other before and are here to troubleshoot, I want you to wipe all your conversations with them from your mind space. If you're here to troubleshoot, you might find that A) you were having the conversation in the wrong style all along, so you need to try the approach in this article or B) you'll discover that the way you communicate is not the issue, and your partner is. 

I'll never tell you to break up with your partner, but if you consistently communicate your complications, emotions, and needs within the relationship, and time after time, they do nothing about it, then do you truly want to be with a partner who can't accommodate or compromise on your needs? Do you want to continue to have conversations filled with emptiness? 

If your answers to those questions were no, then let's chat. 

NYC Certified Life Coach: The "Two-Time Conversation" Theory.